Its the end of the world as [I] know it, and I feel fine...or do I

UUggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. So don't you just hate it when you have poured your heart and soul in to something, and with one careless click of a button, it is gone - FOREVER!!! Well, I just did that. And now I am rather PO'd. But since I tend to not dwell on things, I will try to rewrite my very deep and meaningful posting that I just lost and hope that I can do it justice, yet again.

Well, in my last posting, I alluded to my family and the struggles that I have been having with my life lately, so I figured that you all (yes, all three of you who have read my blog so far) might be interested in seeing my family. I have to be honest and admit that I stole this picture from my sisters blog, because I don't have any pictures of the family on this computer as they are still on my old laptop and I have not yet had them transferred to CD's. So there, I cannot tell a lie, even one by omission. Corey and I are in the back, Levon 31/2, Lauren 6 and Elizabeth in nearly 18 mos. How the time has flown by. But back to my original point.

Corey and I got married in Oct '99. We talked about a family and I told him from the very beginning that whatever we had when I was 30, would be all there would be. We had dated for the better part of 4years before we even got engaged (I have been told that it is not abnormal for Mullens to move that slow) and Lauren was born in Jan '01. In October '03 (the day after our anniversary) Levon came into this world and in Nov '05, Elizabeth was born (after miscarrying twins in the fall of '04) I turned 30 in July '05, so it was decided, we were done - or were we. I had a difficult time with my last pregnancy, mostly emotional. The children that I already had were still very young, and I was bringing home another one. I had 3 children at home (under the age of 5) for 9 months before Lauren started school this past September, and I really had a struggle not to let myself get pulled into the depths of PPD. There were days that I cried most of the time and I am positive that Corey thought I would have to be hauled off to the NS Hospital. But we made it through.

While I was still in the hospital with Elizabeth I wondered if more children was in God's plan for me or if I was being selfish. I had the million dollar family, a girl, a boy and then an extra to round things out and make them interesting. I had asked about having my tubes tied during the C-Section (I had one for each of my babies) and the Ob/Gyn didn't recommend it as they were not fool-proof and told me I should wait. When Elizabeth was nearly a year old, Corey and I decided that we were ready to end our baby-making days. When we visited the surgeon, I was asked why I was not getting the procedure and I replied that after 3 C-Sections I felt that the Snip-Snip was only fair. He agreed and so the day came and I took Corey to the hospital. I waited for what seemed like hours - really it was only about a half an hour, but I started to panic and then the realization set in...there weren't going to be anymore babies. It was all I could do not to barge into the OR and tell Corey I had changed my mind and that we were going home. The grief that I felt lasted for about two weeks - and I poured my heart out to God that we didn't do the wrong thing. What if we decided to have another child in a few years?? But, God in his goodness picked me up and cradled me in his arms and I realized that He will never give us any more that we can handle - and 3 was all I could handle. Another chapter was about to begin in my life.

Today Corey's post-op results came back negative. I would be lying if I said that there isn't still a small twinge of wondering if we did the right thing or not. There will be NO MORE BABIES!! But, is that such a bad thing? The end of diapers, bottles, cribs and change tables is nearing an end, but the next chapter is about to begin. Closing one chapter is not really an end, but just another beginning. Being able to enjoy the things that we couldn't because the kids were too small, going places that we couldn't go before, and being able to enjoy them together. Tears were falling the first time I wrote this - but I have it back together and God is holding me right now.

I don't feel so sorry now, just an occasional what-if. But even a what-if is not too much for our great and mighty God!! Please pray for my new chapter. Pray for the kids and for Corey and Me.

Feel free to leave a comment - but just remember in Christy World, I am always right!!! God bless you today and every day!!!